Lately

On Endings and Beginnings

04.03.18

Nevertheless, She Persisted / Print by @sylvanstatepark for Idle Hands Awake

2018 has been a roiling sea of emotions for me.

I’ve been trying to write this post for a while, and I’m still not really sure what to say. While it’s all very personal, my life is changing so much and I want to share that here. Many of you have been on this creativity adventure with me for a long time, and I want you to know that I’m a real human with struggles, whose life isn’t always perfect behind the pretty styled pictures.

**This is obviously one of those over-sharing posts. If you’d rather stick to the pretty pictures (no hard feelings!), may I direct you to my DIY gallery instead?

Ok, I’m just going to dive in.

I’m getting divorced.

This is the first time I’ve put that on paper, or on screen as it were, and I’m having all the feelings! It’s heartbreaking and scary and shocking. Alan and I were together 10 years — almost a third of my life!

We–I–of course didn’t come to this decision lightly. We worked very, very hard and for a long time to fix the problems in our relationship.

Alan is not such an open book as I am, and some things really are TMI (even I have my sharing limits), so I will keep our reasons private. This is a DIY blog, not a divorce support blog! It is enough to say that we grew in different directions, and could no longer be who we needed each other to be without causing ourselves pain.

I am a caretaker by nature, and it is my instinct to throw myself wholly into a problem to fix it, at all costs. It’s taken me a long time to learn and accept that my own self cannot be one of those costs.

So as agonizing and painful and effing hard as it is, I’m letting go. I moved out at the beginning of January, into a cute little apartment with three kind roommates. I took a lot of my things but almost no furniture, and got rid of a whole carload of junk. I’m giving up my garden, my gorgeous painted floors, my home of 8 years, and two of my cats, Champ and Aemon. It’s hard — it’s so hard!

Since moving, my feelings about divorce can so far can be summed up like this:

Pro: I’m single again!

Con: I’m single again.

As ever, I’m finding solace in making, decorating, Instagramming, many pots of Chai tea, and cuddles with my kitty Jax. (Who, by the way, LOVES having me all to himself!)

And as ever, I’m trying to look on the bright side. I like new experiences, and this life I’m in now is certainly new.

On the days when the emotions aren’t bogging me down so much, I see it as a kind of adventure. A big big change, an opportunity to learn more about myself, to learn to appreciate solitude, to decorate a bedroom just for myself. Perhaps even to leave Boston and venture to a smaller town, or move to Germany!

For now, I am content to stay and work on finding new routines. I’ve been doing lots of meditating, and attending crafty meetups. I went to Alt Summit! My friends have been incredibly supportive. And I’m trying—TRYING—to be gentle with myself and not expect too much right now.

This all brings me to some very exciting news (and this is a post that really needs to end on an exciting note). Since I have my own bedroom for the first time in 9 years, I’m determined to turn it into a sanctuary. A newly single sanctuary! And, because I had a bit of a breakdown in February and had to just REST for a few weeks, then went to Alt, and then got the world’s longest case of flu, I still haven’t finished the new bedroom.

All this to say, the bedroom makeover—sponsored by my amazing partner, IKEA Stoughton—is now aligning perfectly with the One Room Challenge! So get excited, friends, because starting tomorrow I will be joining dozens of other bloggers to transform my bedroom into a peaceful retreat over the course of six weeks. I can’t wait to bore you with every last makeover detail!!! 😉

Ok, I did it, I told you my sad news, and my good news. If you’ve been through a divorce or ended a long-term relationship, or just upped and changed your whole life all of a sudden, I would love to hear from you. What helped you get through it? Does it get better? Let’s do that thing we do so well here and support and celebrate each other!

And no matter what struggles you are going through, persist, my dears, persist.

Gorgeous custom lettered print by the talented Kelly Lipovich of Sylvan State Park. Follow her on Instagram, you won’t be disappointed!

Author: Marlene @ Idle Hands Awake

Maker, baker, cat momma, total nerd, perpetually covered in glitter/sawdust/paint. Blogging DIY and design for modern creatives.

19 comments on “On Endings and Beginnings”

  1. Oh, Marlene, I am so, so sorry. Many hugs to you. It will be nice to have the One Room Challenge to keep you busy and distracted, and I’m sure whatever you create will be beautiful!

  2. Oh, I’m excited for you! No doubt this is a really scary time, but no one decides to get a divorce on a whim, it’s the sort of thing that happens after it feels like all other avenues have been explored. There are all sorts of sayings and books about how growth and wonderful things are just outside of our comfort one, so I hope that while this is no doubt hard, that exiting and wonderful things are waiting for you in the very near future.

    1. I love this comment! You are absolutely right. I feel like I’ve processed most of the really painful feelings already (hopefully!), and now I’m just looking to create new good things for myself. Thank you for this kind cheerleading! xx

  3. No experiences to relate, just wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry. This must be really hard, but if it helps, try to remember that strangers who you don’t even know are wishing you the best in dealing with this.

  4. I have no experience and no advice but I wanted to say that I am sorry to hear this and thinking of you. This must be a very difficult time for you but sometimes new beginnings are what was meant to be even though it might not feel like that at the time. xx

  5. I love your positivity and outlook on a new venture. I know things must be very difficult and emotions ebb and flow but your strength is very evident. xoxo

  6. Thanks so much for your honesty. Also: good on you for focusing on the things that make you happy like AltSummit and copper door handles. I’m in the midst of separating from my partner of 6 years and father of our wonderful Kiddo. It’s freaking hard. most days I am totally fine with my decision to end things and then other times I just want to stay in bed and cry under the covers. Either way, I know I’m on the right path. Sounds like you are to.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience!! I can’t imagine how much harder it is to split when you have children. Totally sympathize with the “crying under the covers” days, I’ve had a good many of those too. But, when I told my dad I was getting divorced, he said “Better an ending with grief, than grief without end.” Sometimes we have to make the painful choices in order to bring good things into our lives. Best of luck and much love to you on this journey! xoxo

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