I learned something about myself in the last few months — I am afraid of being happy.
I’ve known it for a while but I always thought it was just on a subconscious level. Like, “A part of me is scared to be happy.”
But it’s not just a little part that holds this fear, it’s all of me. Through and through. And it’s pissing me off. So I’m pulling back the curtain and saying it out loud today, because the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?
I am afraid of being happy, and it is bullcrap. And if you are afraid of being happy, that is bullcrap too. (Hi, I know you’re out there, fellow people-who-hold-yourselves-back).
We have our reasons. Real ones! I could write pages and pages on how my trauma history conditioned me to fear good things. This post is already enough TMI though, so let’s look forward instead.
Guess what: what was learned can be unlearned. The Pavlovian theory works both ways. I’m going to teach my brain that happiness is safe. And deserved. And worthy.
So that’s where I’ve been since May, balled up in an anxious huddle on the couch, avoiding my blog because it makes me so friggin’ happy that it’s terrifying.
I can’t promise any immediate results as far as blogging is concerned. Consistency is too big a mountain, for now. But crafting and blogging about it makes me ferociously happy, and the only way out is through, so get ready for some DIYs!
Oh, and by the way, you can reteach your brain too. Take a deep breath, say it out loud, and take that first step.
Thanks for continuing to visit and read Idle Hands Awake in my absence, and for humoring these occasional blog-therapy moments. Connecting with this little community keeps me coming back for more. Here’s to our good mental health, chasing creativity, and learning to find joy.